Finnick's Decision
by eolas eadrom
Summary: Finnick Odair's dilemma throughout the beginning and end of the last two books. An angsty take on his thoughts on Katniss


I know my duty.

I know, inside, that there is something more important than me, than Mags, than even you. I know that I should be willing to kill if it comes to that.

And I am willing to kill.

I just never knew it would hurt this much.

You stood there, feet away from me, and you might have been beside me here, might be forced to kill and, most likely, be killed. But Mags volunteered for you. And then District 13 came, and told me where my duty was.

I was awake that night, dreaming of ways to make sure Mags, me, and Katniss Everdeen got out alive.

But dreams aren't the truth. And duty is the most painful concept I have ever heard of.

* * *

Mags died today. She died to keep Everdeen's _husband_ alive. She ran into white fog that burned and tore up skin, because she knew that if I had to make the choice between her and _damn Peeta Mellark, _I would choose her every time.

But I shouldn't, should I?

I should follow my duty. And if my duty means I leap in front of an arrow to keep her safe, I will.

I can say that, with ease. They are words I've practiced in my mind over and over until they feel like water mixed with oil, dripping from my lips, slippery, hard to grasp no matter what, unless they are burned away.

But if you are there, I will not be able to leap in front of that arrow. And my duty feels like a hard shell inside of me, too sharp and too _alien _to do anything.

They say that it is not hard. I mean, Mags sacrificed herself for her. The Morphine protected Peeta with her life.

But I am so damn tired of sacrifices, Annie.

I became a sacrifice when I was fourteen and they called me up there. I stayed a sacrifice when I began to play games and secrets with the Capitol's people.

And now they want me to die a sacrifice.

* * *

She is a child, Annie.

She is a child who has faced a lot, but doesn't know anything of duty. I did my duty. I would have fought and died for her.

But she is an idiot, who thinks she loves a boy, and then, in the space of a heartbeat, loves another.

She doesn't know how much I've lost.

How much everyone else has lost.

She thinks she has faced the world's deepest, darkest secrets, and come out alive.

She hasn't faced _nothing._

She doesn't realize that there is something harder, faster, more important than any one person alive today.

If our human race died tomorrow, I hope it's because we decided to die, instead of slowly condemning ourselves to a painful death.

If we died, then I hope it's because we died fighting for something we believe in.

Because every death should mean something. If it doesn't, then there is no point in killing them.

I suppose, by my logic, I should be happy there is a target painted on my back. That I will, most likely, die fighting for our freedom, for our independence.

If we fight for our independence, it should be a fight we can proudly say we won.

* * *

President Coin wants us to win through subterfuge. Through tactics Snow himself would have balked at.

I tell myself it is for duty.

But now, my duty is empty. Because the person I've pledged my duty to has forsaken all the morality we say we are fighting for.

When our words are empty, there is no reason to believe.

To believe in the future, which we both want so very badly. To believe in the past, which we both want to forget so very badly.

If we don't learn from our mistakes, how can we try to be better humans in the future?

We say we're better.

But if we win this war because we simply have better weapons and lesser morals, then I will be happier dying in the middle of battle, with my trident in my hand and the belief that I tried everything I could, than to die in my bed, age slowing my heart, with the belief like a hard ball in the pit of my stomach, that I was wrong, that we were wrong.

* * *

The place they send us tomorrow will be a hard fight, Annie.

And I intend to die there.

I've fought my hardest. They don't understand that there are things we can't do. That there is something called morals.

So I will go, and, when another person will most likely try to die there, I will take that person's place, and die there.

Like the heroes of old.

I love you Annie.

But I hate them.

Goodbye.


End file.
